Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
