I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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