I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
