you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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