Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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