when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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