Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
