she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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