I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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