Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
