i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize