He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
