I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
