Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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