Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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