Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
