It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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