He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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