I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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