Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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