he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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