My liver just broke up with me...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
