We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize