ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
