I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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