Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
