I must be too annoying 4 u.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
