Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
