my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
pray to the hookup gods
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
