oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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