She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You are a genius and a whore.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
