I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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