can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
how can u be prego again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
