Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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