his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there was a trapeze. enough said
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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