I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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