i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
