My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
