I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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