why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
