How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
