How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
