Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
