we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
