The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
