i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
