I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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