I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
