Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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