the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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