I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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