is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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