It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
