Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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