I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh god it's open bar.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize