Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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