I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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