How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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