I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
